Alone In A Crowd

Day 24

I’ve decided to post another one of my journal entries and this entry is from last night:


Saturday June 26th

 9:46pm - Just got back from a night out to dinner and the movies - by myself. That wasn’t the original plan, but it worked out that way, or rather I had to amend it that way. And I made a choice to do this, made the decision to get out of the house for awhile, on my own. It’s not like this was the first time I’d done this, but the reason why is a first for me. In the past when I’ve gone out to dinner, a movie or both on my own it has been out of a need to be alone, to have some space, some privacy. But tonight was the first time I wanted to be with family, to hang out and be social and yet had to do it on my own. Me and me alone. And that’s really OK because I had plenty of time with the family earlier in the day.

This morning I helped Dad outside. Then he, Mom and I went out to lunch at The Indigo Bar & Grill. We split up after lunch, with Mom going home and Dad and I going to Loew’s, as Dad needed to pick up various items for the project he is working on at the house. I was there to help carry things and keep Dad company. Dad likes to have someone with him, even when he doesn’t need an extra set of hands. Just having company, some sort of an audience. How different we are! After returning home with the items Dad and I got everything unloaded. Jaimee dropped by with Matteah and Casey for a little visit. Then she left with Casey to pick up Daniel from work, while Mom took Matteah out on a little shopping trip. Meanwhile, Jordan and Erin came over. The three of us were going to see a movie tonight, and this was to be our second attempt. Last night didn’t work out, as Jordan and Erin had a lengthy dinner with her parents. So we were on for tonight.

It was only 4:30 when they arrived and the movie wasn’t until 7:40, so we had plenty of time to play a game. Dad joined us for a game of Phase 10 Twist which was fun (as always). During the game Erin got a call from her mother, who was having a really stressful time. Erin offered to help out her mother by agreeing to come over tonight, and so she and Jordan left after our game ended (Jordan won!) So…scratch the movie for tonight!

 It was 6 o’clock and I felt disappointed with the turn of events. But rather than feel sorry for myself or to just sit around and brood over things, I made up my mind to just go out to dinner and a movie. I grabbed a book (to read while at a restaurant) and left.

I went to my choice of restaurant (Chili’s); I read my book; I ate at my pace; I made up my mind when to leave; I went to the movie of my choice (The Karate Kid, and in my opinion it was good!); the seat in the theater was my choice; at the end of the movie I made up my mind to leave when the credits started rolling; and then I came home, satisfied with my evening.

It sounds quite selfish, doesn’t it? All this “my, my, my” business. Well, there’s a bitter truth to all of this: I am selfish, and there is a consequence to being selfish. I was alone. I sat at a table by myself, with no one to talk or listen to; I drove around town by myself; I went to the movie by myself; I sat by myself; I watched the movie by myself; and I came home by myself. I had no one to share the night with, which was my choice. I was alone in a crowd, surrounded by numerous people, by myself.